Christmas
is the time of year for sentiments of world peace and brotherly love, everyone
will have a friend, right will always win etc. In what I can only assume
was an effort to encourage friendly competition and camaraderie, my office
decided to sponsor a door decorating contest. Usually I'm not one for a
contest unless I know I can win, so, this seemed like one of those rare
opportunities where I could wipe the floor with my co-workers and their
holier-than-thou, self-perceived “wisdom.”
I needed to brainstorm
a way I could make my door so incredible my geriatric cohorts would need
another pair of depends to cry into after I beat them. Finally I decided
that something we could agree on was our love for the timeless holiday classic "Elf,"
staring Will Ferrell. I picked this movie because for me it was an
irreplaceable part of my adolescence and them because it was an irreplaceable
part of their children's adolescence.
So, I went about the
arduous task of making an "Elf" themed door. I purchased a blue
table cloth to use as a background and I free handed some sketches of a polar
bear, a walrus, a puffin and a narwhal onto construction paper. My arctic
creatures were delightful as fuck. Then, I finished the whole thing off
with a candy cane forest at the bottom (as you can see below.)
I thought it looked
pretty good. Yes, Buddy looked kind of like Barack Obama close up.
Yes, I could have added more snowflakes or candy canes but I think the
spirit of it was there. The reception, however, was a little mixed.
Some people loved it and understood the reference immediately. One
guy asked me if it was a reference to something and when I said, "Duh,
Elf," he admitted the only Christmas movie he watched religiously was
"Love Actually," quickly adding, "with my fiancee."
Then there were people who walked by and glared with fresh hatred in
their eyes. "How dare he reference a movie I've never heard of?
Does he think he's funny?" their eyes seemed to say. Yes I did think I was funny and if they didn't
stop glaring at me I was going to
start throwing things at them. THEY'RE CREATING THEIR OWN HOSTILE WORK
ENVIRONMENT!!!
Yesterday was judgment
day and unfortunately I did not win. I did get an honorable mention which
I think is almost worse than not being mentioned at all. At least, if I
wasn't mentioned no one would know I tried and failed. "Better to
have tried and failed than to have not tried at all," I told myself
through sobs while listening to Sheryl Crow's cover of “Blue Christmas” on my
way home from work. Now, comes a time of healing and humility as I try
and convince everyone I did the whole thing ironically because "I knew it
wasn't going to win, I just thought it'd get a laugh." If I've learned
anything in this venture of making the best holiday door ever and then being
miserably rejected by superiors is that I shouldn't count my three French hens
before they’ve hatched and to fervently refuse to participate in any holiday
morale boosting activity again.
